someone threw a dead crab at me
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize