I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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