My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
