I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
