when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
