don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You are a genius and a whore.
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