I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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