Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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