Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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