I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
