Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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