Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's rum buckets o'clock
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
