I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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