she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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