I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
