I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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