He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
This baby is an asshole
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
