I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
soo... how was my night?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
