Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
