I'm gonna have a badass scar
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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