Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
