Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
