I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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