In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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