im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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