You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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