It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
