based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
