apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
