Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
