Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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