I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
