i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
