i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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