mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Please don't give away my fajitas
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