I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
