I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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