If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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