When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
