I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
