My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
