Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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