If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
