1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
