Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
