I CAN MOONWALK!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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