You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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