there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize