this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
