In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
