Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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