So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Operation Purity has been aborted
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize