hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize