Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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