Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
