I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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